Depression and Ressurection

Many a time I´ve been asked by my mum what depression is. With such a joyous nature as hers it was extremely difficult for her to understand why her once so happy nine years old child suddenly wishes to die. Over the course of approximately eleven following years I´ve been ill with depression, I didn´t know what to answer. The change was gradual, the strange suffering, if you will, varied. The only thing that remained with me was the knowledge I yearn for nothing, only for peaceful sleep without awakening. I can´t even imagine how much of strength it took from my sister to keep me alive.

But somehow, when I unexpectedly gained a possible answer from my grandmother, it is probably the answer I cannot give to my mum. Depression, among other things, is losing your ability to love. It´s like your brain knows you love your parents, partner or friends, but actually your heart feels nothing. After all those years I can´t count how many times I´ve said "I love you" to my family, because I remembered I felt so before I "changed", yet no feeling was in me.

Then, last Christmas I felt violently sick, my body could not take it anymore. Finally I was diagnosed with depression and got medication. I was fighting back at first, the innumerable pills and therapies previous doctors prescribed me never did me any good. Then I talked with grandma, telling her for the first time what´s wrong with me. I was scared as a Cowardly Lion, because I knew grandma doesn´t believe in mental illnesses. The response I got was unbelievable. She showed me infinite support and kindness, even going as far as to pay for my medication. I guess that was the turning point that gave me hope and made me start to take the pills. First I was worse, sicker than before. And then, just before I was to leave and return to England, the miracle happened. I was with grandma again and talked with her about many things. Then she gave me a hug and I felt it. For the first time in eleven years, I felt love, so much of love it made me cry and laugh at the same time. Normally I run away from grandma´s as soon as I can. That was the plan even that time. But just as I was going to catch the bus home, I turned around, ran back and threw myself in grandma´s arms, feeling it again, the love, the gratefullness for love. And maybe for the first time in eleven years, I saw true happiness and love towards me in her eyes. It was an exquisite moment.

Before, I never paid much thought to my grandma, save for the pre-change years. Now whenever I remember her - and that is often - I feel, I really feel love. The feeling of ressurection is strange and wondrous. I´m still uncapable of loving on stabile basis, everything is extremely fragile in me. I´m scared I will lose it again when I have to stop taking the medication. But even for that fear I´m grateful - it feels like will to live.